Lewis Black

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.

— Lewis Black

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes

— Lewis Black

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

— Lewis Black

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

— Lewis Black

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity.

— Lewis Black

“Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!”

— Lewis Black

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

— Lewis Black

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

— Lewis Black

When you're done [with writing a book], people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and…

— Lewis Black

I do the same gig. I might change it a little; I might slow it down if I'm in the South. I…

— Lewis Black

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt…

— Lewis Black

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

— Lewis Black

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

— Lewis Black

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that…

— Lewis Black

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes…

— Lewis Black

If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he…

— Lewis Black

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty…

— Lewis Black

I have no religion because I was born and raised Jewish. And on the first night of Hanukkah, my parents, when I…

— Lewis Black

“They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while…

— Lewis Black

What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that…

— Lewis Black

You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum.…

— Lewis Black

This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a…

— Lewis Black

The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody…

— Lewis Black

I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you…

— Lewis Black

I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.

— Lewis Black

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

— Lewis Black

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.

— Lewis Black

I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.

— Lewis Black

Turns out we've been eating the wrong things...since the dawn of civilisation

— Lewis Black

You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.

— Lewis Black

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

— Lewis Black

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

— Lewis Black

Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after…

— Lewis Black

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder.…

— Lewis Black

"Equestrian", by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called…

— Lewis Black

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going…

— Lewis Black

This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar…

— Lewis Black

If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is…

— Lewis Black

The Droid I had actually seemed to have free will, which I thought was interesting.

— Lewis Black

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

— Lewis Black