It's funny how people will think I'm being sarcastic a lot and joking. So I'll say, "I like your dress," and they'll… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
I seem to get into situations that make people laugh, but I don't consider myself that funny of a person. I'm not… — Nathan Fielder Copy Share Image
Friends frequently ask how I, given my politics, dealt with seeing my brother and his companion, Richard, together for the first time.… — Laura Ingraham Copy Share Image
“Jen felt a hand rest at the nape of her neck as a voice spoke softly next to her ear, "If you… — Quinn Loftis Copy Share Image
“If you hadn't stolen my bride away in the night, Rhysand, I would not have been forced to take such drastic measures… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
“Most sane human beings who have managed to attain and retain fame each uses it to dramatically increase their name’s chances of… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“It was exciting to be off on a journey she had looked forward to for months. Oddly, the billowing diesel fumes of… — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
“Shouldn't someone give a pep talk or something?' Minho asked... "Go ahead," Newt replied. Minho nodded and faced the crowd. 'Be careful,'… — James Dashner Copy Share Image
It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I trust God's timing. I'm a very spiritual person, and a lot of times, we want things on our time, and we… — LeToya Luckett Copy Share Image
I don't know about changing my mind regarding The One-Man Band. I've always personally found him incredibly entertaining, which is one of… — Wade Barrett Copy Share Image
The thing to keep in mind is that's how I started long before MTV and Twitter and Facebook. I studied at broadcasting… — Tom Green Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were in a canoe, and we were paddling across the desert. You said you were… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
A lot of stand-up comedians are actually very insecure, and they come on slightly battling the audience. They want to be the… — Stephen Merchant Copy Share Image
When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I just like being able to voice my opinion. That's all comedy is. Comedy is just a different perspective. Perspective of what… — Deon Cole Copy Share Image
“You can dress a pig up in satin and lace and its still a pig." Francis smiled hazily. "Are you calling my… — Anne Stuart Copy Share Image
PROBLEM: So, I'm a model. but I'm seriously insecure. modeling is something I love, and something I love doing, but I don't… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“The toddler started making this whine/moan noise while pawing at Tabitha. I know as a woman I'm supposed to have this innate… — Cindi Madsen Copy Share Image
“Studsy returned alone. "Maybe I'm wrong," he said as he sat down, "but I think somebody could do something with that cluck… — Dashiell Hammett Copy Share Image
I didn't want to miss that opportunity to be able to enjoy an afternoon fishing with my dad which is something we… — Joe Thomas Copy Share Image
Every movie I do, I always use things that have happened in my life. Funny moments, anything. If it just sticks out… — Kirsten Dunst Copy Share Image
Let me tell you something. I'm a funny girl, and I gave birth to what? Funny. I can't help it. It just… — Niecy Nash Copy Share Image
I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
“What the hell?” Ian asked, holding his hands over the front of his Christmas briefs. Sara had ordered them from the Internet,… — Rose Wynters Copy Share Image
It was funny that rank-and-file evangelicals were ahead of all the leadership. They saw for decades conservative Republicans had made promises to… — Jerry Falwell, Jr Copy Share Image
Dear Amber Hope,You're amazing, Funny, creative, and yet soooo pretty xD Don't let anyone I mean ANYONE tell you different! 'Cause they… — Jasmine Copy Share Image
I think I'm one of those guys who was sort of always in comedy. I thought of myself - and other people… — Andy Daly Copy Share Image
John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important,… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I think stutterers are funny. And I know it's rude and politically incorrect to laugh at stutterers. But I think it is… — James Earl Jones Copy Share Image
“Oh.” My dad actually looked sheepish. “It’s one o’clock in the morning and I was going to tell you to shut the… — Jennifer Echols Copy Share Image
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You… — Adam Ferrara Copy Share Image
“Back in medieval times, " I said, "we used oil of vitriol for its healing properties. No doubt that's why Commodus had… — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I just talk about the funny things in my life, and the idea is that my observations reflect the lives of my… — Dominic Holland Copy Share Image
It's a very ancient culture, British culture. You can't be seen to be too wealthy, and you certainly can't be seen to… — Trudie Styler Copy Share Image
The most prudent thing any intelligent animal can do, if it would prefer its descendents not to spend a lot of time… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
