I Just got finished going 2 the dentist for a teeth cleaning its important to take care of yo hygiene becuz u… — Dante Copy Share Image
I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole… — Natasha Leggero Copy Share Image
“... a man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be… — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
I wasn't the class nerd, but I was weird. I could tell long stories and be funny, but I couldn't do sports.… — Charles Ray Copy Share Image
Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“As soon as the door closed, Uncle Enzo looked around. "I say he needs money." Uncle Nico shook his head. "He's been… — Ashleigh Stevens Copy Share Image
I see a funny guy who's imperfect, but has a great heart and no vanity when it comes to what he'll do… — Marlon Wayans Copy Share Image
“What the hell is so funny?" "First of all," she said, her confidence growing, "they're not my MASTERS. I don't have a… — Derek Landy Copy Share Image
“Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
“Lokeij whistled. “Make the king’s warriors vanish if they come. . . what a deceitful turtledove you are.” Aly smiled at the… — Tamora Pierce Copy Share Image
She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
American radio is the reverse of the Shakespearean stage. In Shakespeare's time the world's greatest dramas were acted with the most primitive… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
There's an old saying among scientific guys: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Austin Theory's young, super-talented and thinks he's the cat's meow. But I'm just going to punish him. It's going to be pretty… — Roderick Strong Copy Share Image
“You should have been born a poet,” she whispered as she pulled away. “Screw that,” he laughed as he placed a gentle… — Amelia Hutchins Copy Share Image
Broken hearts, love's deceit, pieces fall down to my feet. Broken promises, love's a lie, puddles form from the tears I cry. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“She's your lobster. C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually… — Phoebe Buffay Copy Share Image
I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When people make a status saying 'Likes' to just see how much likes they can get and not give anyone a like… — Corey Bird Copy Share Image
If someone wants to be in your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. Don't bother reserving a space on… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm a sucker for Thought Catalog. Shelby Fero is really funny on Twitter. And Patton Oswalt, he's sort of like a Twitter… — Addison Timlin Copy Share Image
“I scoop a clattering cascade of green apple Jelly Bellys into the white paper bag and remember when we were seven. I… — Huntley Fitzpatrick Copy Share Image
“Thank God she wasn't wearing shorts. She hadn't shaved her legs in a week, theorizing that October in the mountains was pretty… — Victoria Dahl Copy Share Image
To be fair to my ex girlfriend, I hope she'll always be memorable and unique to me. God forbid I ever find… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The shortest period of time lies between the minute you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival… — Jane Bryant Quinn Copy Share Image
I put my parents through mini hell with my laziness and poor grades, so I love making them laugh when they see… — Kayvan Novak Copy Share Image
To forget you is hard to do and to forget me is up to you. Forget me not, forget me never. Forget… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Podcasts feature comedians being as funny as they can be in a non-censored situation. It's really akin to standup in a way.… — Scott Aukerman Copy Share Image
I knew I could rap a little bit, which is not the most unique way for being funny. The more I did… — Lil Dicky Copy Share Image
I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
The truth is really funny. It's uncomfortable sometimes, it's dramatic sometimes, but it's really funny. Life is funny. — Chris Messina Copy Share Image
I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection.… — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
It was funny that rank-and-file evangelicals were ahead of all the leadership. They saw for decades conservative Republicans had made promises to… — Jerry Falwell, Jr Copy Share Image
If you're an aspiring show maker, and you have the means to sit around for a few months, you should be making… — Pendleton Ward Copy Share Image
Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot… — Rowan Atkinson Copy Share Image
Things were different when I was single though, and I'd go out all the time and dudes would do their thing. i… — Ashley Scott Copy Share Image
I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, “Oh, no, I'm joking,… — Anna Torv Copy Share Image
Many people said that 'To be successful in life, you have to climb the ladder of success,' but no bastard told me… — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
