Rita Rudner

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

— Rita Rudner

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

— Rita Rudner

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces…

— Rita Rudner

Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he…

— Rita Rudner

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long,…

— Rita Rudner

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.

— Rita Rudner

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

— Rita Rudner

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You…

— Rita Rudner

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

— Rita Rudner

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

— Rita Rudner

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get…

— Rita Rudner

... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how…

— Rita Rudner

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well…

— Rita Rudner

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

— Rita Rudner

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet…

— Rita Rudner

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of…

— Rita Rudner

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we…

— Rita Rudner

Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald…

— Rita Rudner

Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.

— Rita Rudner

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

— Rita Rudner

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

— Rita Rudner

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

— Rita Rudner

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth…

— Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men…

— Rita Rudner

I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't…

— Rita Rudner