Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said,… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said,… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works;… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
