Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job,… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works;… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
