... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said,… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works;… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
