An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I adore being hitched. It's so extraordinary to discover one unique individual you need to irritate for whatever remains of your life. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I'm not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it.… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'-no earring or anything. But really I think… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to.” — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works;… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
