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Portrait of Adam Carolla

Adam Carolla

(1964) Comedian United States

189 quotes in 820 categories

Adam Carolla’s humor is unapologetically direct, and his observations cut through the noise. These quotes capture his blend of sarcasm, cultural critique, and occasional heartfelt moments, giving a well‑rounded snapshot of his outspoken style.

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Adam Carolla is a comedian from the United States, best known for Not Taco Bell material.

Quick Facts About Adam Carolla

Born: May 27, 1964
Nationality: United States
Profession: Comedian
Notable works: Not Taco Bell material

About Adam Carolla

Adam Carolla is an American radio personality, comedian, actor, political commentator, and podcaster. He hosts The Adam Carolla Show, a talk show distributed as a podcast.

Biography source: Wikipedia

Quotes by Adam Carolla

I am not a good cue card reader.

Books

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I'm not a Republican.

Republican

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Welfare is monetary methadone.

Methadone

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I was a horrible student.

Horrible

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I know everything because I know nothing.

Answers

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“We have brains and we have books.”

Book

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Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Figure

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I'm a comedian, not a politician.

Comedian

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Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

Life

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People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

Drag

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It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.

July

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Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do...

Thinking

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Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

Ashtrays

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I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

Age

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I don't have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

Ill

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I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.

Chick

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Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Crocs

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I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

Behinds

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“They turn to people who failed out of junior college to tell them they can cure their cancer with purified water and…

Cancer

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Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and…

Office

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The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It's a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

Art

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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

Chicks

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I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things…

Art

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I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

Money

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Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James…

Ball game

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When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to…

Christmas

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I've never really broken this down before, but, in movies, you almost have no connection to fans. And if you do TV,…

Almost

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I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up…

Between

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“I also remember it was Sunday night because that was the time I felt most depressed and vulnerable. Somehow have a moment…

Sunday

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If the rich are evil why are you sitting in their library? Why are you sitting in their hall? Why did I…

Evil

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“I don’t know why I seem to be the only one who understands that when the government provides something for free—whether it’s…

Free food

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The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have…

Add

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I liked radio, or podcasting. I like talking minus the camera and the script part. All those mediums are different, and they…

Artistic

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I am semi-ambivalent about being on camera - sort of low-key. I don't like being on camera stuff that much. I like…

Books

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“Growing up, we had a black-and-white Zenith TV in a metal case with fake wood grain that you could pound on. You…

Psychology

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In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked…

Architecture

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“Our current government doesn’t give a f*** about transportation. They only give a f*** about making money. When it comes to synchronizing…

Lost time

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As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved.…

Backyards

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“I don’t know why I seem to be the only one who understands that when the government provides something for free—whether it’s…

Free food

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“Here’s one way to tell if you’re driving how I want you to—nay, how America needs you to. Whenever I drive my…

Driving

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Adam Carolla by topic

Funny (27) Humor (23) People (21) Comedy (15) Thinking (12) Politics (12) Want (10) Time (10) Guy (10) Way (8) Stuff (8) Should (8) Money (8) Life (8) Car (8)