Adam Carolla

“One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made…

— Adam Carolla

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

— Adam Carolla

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life...so, something that is potentially four months down the…

— Adam Carolla

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They…

— Adam Carolla

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field…

— Adam Carolla

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their…

— Adam Carolla

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

— Adam Carolla

“But our leaders can’t tell the truth. We won’t let them. We’ve created a society where the politicians aren’t allowed to criticize…

— Adam Carolla

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up…

— Adam Carolla

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in…

— Adam Carolla

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

— Adam Carolla

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things…

— Adam Carolla

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

— Adam Carolla

“Here’s a handy list of warning signs of the worst people on the road. Some are tuned-out menaces, others are just assholes.…

— Adam Carolla

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

— Adam Carolla

“I also remember it was Sunday night because that was the time I felt most depressed and vulnerable. Somehow have a moment…

— Adam Carolla

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

— Adam Carolla

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

— Adam Carolla

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

— Adam Carolla

Nature knew what she was doing when she figured out the penis and the cunt.

— Adam Carolla

I'm not a Republican.

— Adam Carolla

“I think the government is incompetent, not evil.”

— Adam Carolla

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

— Adam Carolla

I was a horrible student.

— Adam Carolla

“Now the poles have gotten so far apart that anyone who isn’t officiating a gay wedding at a Whole Foods is considered…

— Adam Carolla