I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life...so, something that is potentially four months down the… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever? — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
“One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made that weird… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life...so, something that is potentially four months down the road is… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work,… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I'm not interested in hurting their feelings. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
“But our leaders can’t tell the truth. We won’t let them. We’ve created a society where the politicians aren’t allowed to criticize the people.… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were. — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
