A. P. Herbert

The portions of a woman which appeal to man's depravity Are constructed with considerable care.

— A. P. Herbert

An act of God was defined as something which no reasonable man could have expected.

— A. P. Herbert

“At the Theatre: To the Lady Behind Me Dear Madam, you have seen this play; I never saw it till today. You…

— A. P. Herbert

As my poor father used to say In 1963, Once people start on all this Art Goodbye, moralitee! And what my father…

— A. P. Herbert

For I must write to The Times tonight, and save the world from sin.

— A. P. Herbert

The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'.

— A. P. Herbert

Justice should be cheap but judges expensive.

— A. P. Herbert

“Holy Mother we do believe, That without sin Thou didst conceive; May we now in Thee believing, Also sin without conceiving.”

— A. P. Herbert

A man who has made up his mind on a given subject twenty-five years ago and continues to hold his political opinions…

— A. P. Herbert

Citizens who take it upon themselves to do unusual actions which attract the attention of the police should be careful to bring…

— A. P. Herbert

aven, I have given up smoking again!... God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy,…

— A. P. Herbert

There is no reason why a joke should not be appreciated more than once. Imagine how little good music there would be…

— A. P. Herbert

Well, fancy giving money to the Government! Might as well have put it down the drain.

— A. P. Herbert

Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf…

— A. P. Herbert

People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act…

— A. P. Herbert

I am sure that the party system is right and necessary. There must be some scum.

— A. P. Herbert

A high-brow is someone who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso.

— A. P. Herbert

Let's stop somebody from doing something! Everybody does too much.

— A. P. Herbert

Don't let's go to the dogs tonight, For mother will be there.

— A. P. Herbert

The Englishman never enjoys himself except for a noble purpose.

— A. P. Herbert

The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time.

— A. P. Herbert

The essence of humour is surprise; that is why you laugh when you see a joke in Punch.

— A. P. Herbert

This high official, all allow, is grossly overpaid; there wasn't any Board, and now there isn't any Trade.

— A. P. Herbert

Well, fancy giving money to the Government! Might as well have put it down the drain. Fancy giving money to the Government!…

— A. P. Herbert

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be…

— A. P. Herbert