Tim Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

— Tim Allen

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."

— Tim Allen

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.

— Tim Allen

My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives…

— Tim Allen

A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars.…

— Tim Allen

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.

— Tim Allen

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried…

— Tim Allen

Speeding is like drugs. It makes everything come at you fast, and when you go back to normal driving, safe driving, prudent…

— Tim Allen

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I…

— Tim Allen

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

— Tim Allen

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

— Tim Allen

My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.

— Tim Allen

It's true; I have a skill and it's... it has not related to acting, it's not related to auditions, it's not related…

— Tim Allen

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

— Tim Allen

When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength…

— Tim Allen

I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, "Dad's…

— Tim Allen

Jill : What causes sibling rivalry? Tim : Having more than one kid!

— Tim Allen

Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or…

— Tim Allen

I may go back and spice it up with a little bit of the tool stuff and grunting and all that that…

— Tim Allen

I have a thing for tools.

— Tim Allen

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.

— Tim Allen

I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

— Tim Allen

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

— Tim Allen

I look at it this way: How much of the day are you awake? You think, "I've gotta get that dry cleaning,…

— Tim Allen

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places,…

— Tim Allen