“I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Each one of my nostrils is the size of my urethra. Every breath smells like piss.” — Jarod Kintz Piss Copy Share Image
“I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.” — Jarod Kintz Generosity Copy Share Image
“Here’s a list in no particular order: chaos, confusion, and disorganization.” — Jarod Kintz Chaos Copy Share Image
“My baby nephew is a real ladies man. He doesn't need to pick up women. They pick him up.” — Jarod Kintz Ladies man Copy Share Image
“I am the leprechaun I rainbow into being. Buy me a beer, and get to know my inner midget.” — Jarod Kintz Leprechaun Copy Share Image
“Some of the vitamins I take are the size of jumbo jets, though they only pack about half the power.” — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“I grew a mustache, and I grew it in my garden. My mustache is organic, and will taste tasty on your mouth.” — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“The lights might have dimmed, but I blinked at that moment so I didn’t notice. I also didn’t notice her love, probably… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“There should always be one more cat than person, so everyone has one to pet, and I have two to myself.” — Jarod Kintz Cats Copy Share Image
“When thinking about yesterday, contrasted with today, I can’t help but observe that today by definition means I’m one day closer to… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“I've never had a one-night stand with anybody over the course of a whole weekend. I've also never had a one-night stand… — Jarod Kintz Date Copy Share Image
“Here is my naked body. Take a long look at what nobody else can look at. And hurry up, before all the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his… — Jarod Kintz Bald man Copy Share Image
“Do I look like someone you know? Well you don’t know me, so why don’t you go bother my clone? And if… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help teach teenagers to tie their shoes. Honestly, if they are so stupid that they haven’t… — Jarod Kintz Brick Copy Share Image
“A brick is a good object to hide a house key under. No burglar will be able to get to your key,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If someone is playing on my fear, the natural tendency for a person is to throw all their energy and focus into… — Jarod Kintz Fear Copy Share Image
“People remember a smile more readily than a name. That’s why for branding purposes, I created my logo so that it features… — Jarod Kintz Branding Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You sold canned laughter, and I sold fresh laughter, straight out of my throat. You sold… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“We all want somebody to share our life and love with. But if there are an odd number of people on the… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write… — Jarod Kintz Best teacher Copy Share Image
“In a recent Gallup poll conducted in France while riding a horse, two out of three sweaty Frenchman (there were only three… — Jarod Kintz Louis Xvi Copy Share Image
“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar, and the bartender turns and says, “What can I get you started with?”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were crying, and your tears were so salty I decided to collect your sadness to… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“People say, How could God allow helpless children to die? While I look around the world and see corruption, pollution, filth, lies,… — Jarod Kintz Around the world Copy Share Image
“The passenger door was wide open, nobody was around, and a purse was inside. Was this a trap? It seemed too good… — Jarod Kintz 48 hours Copy Share Image
“I wrote a song called "Stinky Sodomite." It isn't a pop song, a historical song, or a song condemning homosexuality. Rather, it… — Jarod Kintz Pop song Copy Share Image
“I could only read the word because of the discoloration on the wall from the accumulation of grime over time around the… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
