Nikhil Saluja

With all these shit stains, shut your ass hole doesn't offend me at all

— Nikhil Saluja

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anybody can start today and make a new ending...

— Nikhil Saluja

If you're a guy who's into Twilight, have a doctor prescribe you with a heavy dose of man the fuck up.

— Nikhil Saluja

Girls are really dressing up like sluts these days. This one young girl just got up from her seat & I totally…

— Nikhil Saluja

Ladies: never trust a guy who goes to McDonalds and orders the Filet-O-Fish. Real men don't eat that shit.

— Nikhil Saluja

Think how miserable your sex life has to be to find the time to leave a comment on a porn video.

— Nikhil Saluja

The rarest sight in the world is a woman who is happy with photographs of herself.

— Nikhil Saluja

Sometimes I want to sit on my right hand so it feels like someone else is stopping me from masturbating.

— Nikhil Saluja

Good girls say no Bad girls say when? Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.

— Nikhil Saluja

I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One's getting breasts, one's getting whiskers. My life is over.

— Nikhil Saluja

Sex is directly proportional to insecurity. The more insecure you are, the more sex you have on.

— Nikhil Saluja

You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When You can't even remember your second cup.

— Nikhil Saluja

If a girl asks you if she's fat, you either say no or absolutely not.

— Nikhil Saluja

If I ask to suck your boobs when I wake up, does that count as sleeping like a baby?

— Nikhil Saluja

Having to poop after a shower is basically your body's way of pranking you.

— Nikhil Saluja

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (Please only read this on your birthday. Thanks.)

— Nikhil Saluja

The best feeling in the world is knowing you finally took a step in the right direction, a step towards a better…

— Nikhil Saluja

I showed my therapist some of my tweets and now she's seeing a therapist.

— Nikhil Saluja

I wish pussy could talk just so that my dick would have the pleasure of shutting it the fuck up.

— Nikhil Saluja

I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

— Nikhil Saluja

Woman say:I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. Woman means:I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

— Nikhil Saluja

I hate people looking at me while I'm smiling at my phone. That's why I never leave the house.

— Nikhil Saluja

I don't even care what brand clothes a girl is wearing. I just like to imagine her naked.

— Nikhil Saluja

A real man gives up one night stands for a woman he can't stand one night without.

— Nikhil Saluja

Guys: if one of your homeboys watches Twilight, it's your job as a man to call him a bitch.

— Nikhil Saluja

I like you much that I don't want any other girl to have you but yet not enough to see me with…

— Nikhil Saluja

That awkward moment when you're chatting with someone and see '….. is typing' and then they end up writing nothing.

— Nikhil Saluja

Husbands are like guns ... keep one around for long enough and you're gonna want to shoot it!

— Nikhil Saluja

I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

— Nikhil Saluja

You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

— Nikhil Saluja

Happiness is not the end of problems but the ability to deal with them

— Nikhil Saluja

Smile. It confuses people. Then hit them over the head with an iron pipe and take their wallet.

— Nikhil Saluja

Ladies don't be afraid to get naughty. Rock his world and leave him begging for more!

— Nikhil Saluja

Porn Rule: Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest suggestion of sex.

— Nikhil Saluja

The right people who belong in your life will come to you & stay.

— Nikhil Saluja

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

— Nikhil Saluja

You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When You channel surf faster without a remote.

— Nikhil Saluja

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

— Nikhil Saluja

When somebody says Expect the unexpected slap them in the face and say You didn't expect that, did you?

— Nikhil Saluja

No matter how good she looks, Some other guy is sick and tired Of putting up with her shit.

— Nikhil Saluja