“I am not the monster you think I am. No, I am an entirely different monster. I'm sort of like a mixture… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My heart is closed, but open. Closed to one woman in particular, but open to the public. Guided tours are offered Monday… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t break wind—I repair it. I am the anti politician, because when one speaks, he farts through his mouth, and the… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“There are 365 days in a year, and 360 degrees in a circle. Coincidence? I think not. Really, I didn’t think, and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s not lit, it’s literature. Lit is something a book can be, after you’ve decided to burn it. (I suggest you start… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’m on the road, Butte is 58 miles away, and I’m driving 85 mph. So I should be there in an hour.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The task may be simple for me, but if I make it look too easy, you won’t appreciate it as much as… — Jarod Kintz Too easy Copy Share Image
“With my wedding photography business, I want repeat customers. So hooray for divorce! That’s why I take lots of pictures—of cheating spouses.” — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“I’d like to wade through all the people named Wade in this city, and personally call all of them to congratulate them… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A feather taped to a vibrator is a tickling machine to induce hunger, and NOT a sex toy. So you won’t have… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“Love is when you love someone’s spirit as much as their body, even if their spirit has departed and their body is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I like watching baseball as much as my grandma’s left ear is loud. (She’d probably give her right ear for a left… — Jarod Kintz Baseball Copy Share Image
“I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on… — Jarod Kintz March Copy Share Image
“Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.” — Jarod Kintz Restraining order Copy Share Image
“I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“Every time I eat an English muffin I feel like I become more grammatically correct, more refined, more cultured, and an all-around… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after… — Jarod Kintz Day After Tomorrow Copy Share Image
“My brain is an amazing machine. Too bad I can’t take credit for it. As brilliant as I am, think how profound… — Jarod Kintz Computers Copy Share Image
“I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I could die saving two lives, I would, provided each of those two people were the kind of people who would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Republicans are a glass half full, and Democrats are a glass half empty. Either way, I want a new glass. I want… — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
“His voice is like 999 one-winged vultures, all flapping in unison, while 333 horned frogs croak in protest. My love must sound… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a long, hard day today. 18 inches long, to be exact. I had to deal with a dick all day,… — Jarod Kintz Hard day Copy Share Image
“I’ll keep you in my heart forever, just so long as you don’t clog up my arteries. Just so you know, my… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I dreamt it in my dream. You tried to steal my dream—the whole thing. But even though it was a dream, it… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I swam in the neighborhood peel. I mean pool. I guess I threw that pee in there because the swimming experience left… — Jarod Kintz Bad taste Copy Share Image
“Some people wish they could have invented the wheel. But I’m trying to reinvent the wheelbarrow, to more efficiently haul around my… — Jarod Kintz Reinvent the wheel Copy Share Image
“I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s… — Jarod Kintz Free people Copy Share Image
“We made love like Wednesday and Thursday, only Thursday wasn’t always on top. Her name was Yesterday, and today will always remind… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is… — Jarod Kintz American dream Copy Share Image
“He was born after me, and he died before me. I gave him life, and I killed him. He was an idea,… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Which is more valuable into showing how I think: the order I think of things, or the order in which I arrange… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“-I have this friend—you don’t know him—but— -Is his name Molloway? -No. -Oh. I don’t know anybody named Molloway, so that’s why… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the “phony” in symphony. Will you be attending my fake concert? It’s a black-tie event. Shirts, jackets, pants, and shoes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a Blushometer. To find out how embarrassed you are, just measure you blushing cheeks against the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
