My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move.… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
