Marriage Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield · Page 3

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

— Rodney Dangerfield

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each…

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

— Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our…

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

— Rodney Dangerfield

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

— Rodney Dangerfield

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

— Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

— Rodney Dangerfield

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last…

— Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

— Rodney Dangerfield