Humor Quotes by Ambrose Bierce

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

— Ambrose Bierce

“ Egotist , n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”

— Ambrose Bierce

“Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.”

— Ambrose Bierce

“Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters.”

— Ambrose Bierce

“SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.”

— Ambrose Bierce

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

— Ambrose Bierce

PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.

— Ambrose Bierce

“ Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.”

— Ambrose Bierce

ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in…

— Ambrose Bierce

“ Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he…

— Ambrose Bierce

NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

— Ambrose Bierce

MINSTREL, adj. Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with a color less than skin deep and a humor more…

— Ambrose Bierce

“ Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.”

— Ambrose Bierce

READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories…

— Ambrose Bierce

“HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but…

— Ambrose Bierce

PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied…

— Ambrose Bierce

AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute…

— Ambrose Bierce

“Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably out…

— Ambrose Bierce

PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied…

— Ambrose Bierce

“PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of…

— Ambrose Bierce

ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in…

— Ambrose Bierce

NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the…

— Ambrose Bierce

SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive office of a country, whose most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern…

— Ambrose Bierce

JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and…

— Ambrose Bierce

SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with imperfect…

— Ambrose Bierce

READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories…

— Ambrose Bierce