“Phonograph - An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.” — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude . . . — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
To those who view the voyage of life from the port of departure the bark that has accomplished any considerable distance appears… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Nominee. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious to incur social distinction and suffer high life. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction - prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
“Cartesian,adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum- whereby he was pleased to suppose he… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering.… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned .… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
“Good-bye — if you hear of my being stood up against a Mexican stone wall and shot to rags please know that… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
“His act was rather that of a harmless lunatic than an enemy. We were not so new to the country as not… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns his life. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Age - That period of life in which we compound for the vices that remain by reviling those we have no longer… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
EXISTENCE, n. A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,/ Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:/ From which we're wakened by a friendly… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Age: that period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave.… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. Arasthus… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
