Food Quotes by Ambrose Bierce

TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy.

— Ambrose Bierce

Rhubarb: essence of stomach ache.

— Ambrose Bierce

Empty wine bottles have a bad opinion of women.

— Ambrose Bierce

PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.

— Ambrose Bierce

The best kind of onion soup is the simplest kind.

— Ambrose Bierce

FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs

— Ambrose Bierce

CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.

— Ambrose Bierce

TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility.

— Ambrose Bierce

Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.

— Ambrose Bierce

TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.

— Ambrose Bierce

DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. Variously pronounced.

— Ambrose Bierce

EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.

— Ambrose Bierce

A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

— Ambrose Bierce

A chop is a piece of leather skillfully attached to a bone and administered to the patients at restaurants.

— Ambrose Bierce

WINE, n.Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to…

— Ambrose Bierce

SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with…

— Ambrose Bierce

Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for…

— Ambrose Bierce

PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.

— Ambrose Bierce

WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can be made; . . . also for bread. The French are…

— Ambrose Bierce

OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes…

— Ambrose Bierce

MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled…

— Ambrose Bierce

PIG, n. An animal ("Porcus omnivorus") closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,…

— Ambrose Bierce

Indigestion: A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind.…

— Ambrose Bierce

EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect…

— Ambrose Bierce

EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. 'I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,'…

— Ambrose Bierce

RAREBIT n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out that it is not a rabbit. To whom…

— Ambrose Bierce

FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin,…

— Ambrose Bierce

Glutton- A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.

— Ambrose Bierce

Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

— Ambrose Bierce

HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.

— Ambrose Bierce

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

— Ambrose Bierce

HASH: There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.

— Ambrose Bierce

SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.

— Ambrose Bierce