MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead - a circumstance from which… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain-the… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
HIBERNATE, v. i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
“Man, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably out… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used ... as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary anatomist… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity to dinner. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. Arasthus… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikes hard. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
