Hurricanes are like women. When they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave, they take your house and car — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I never had much interest in the piano until I realized that every time I played, a girl would appear on the… — Duke Ellington Copy Share Image
A couple had twins - a boy & a girl. In their family, it was the tradition of the father's brother to… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I am like God and God like me. I am as large as God. He is as small as I. He cannot… — Angelus Silesius Copy Share Image
Looking the way I look, whenever anybody's looking for a light brown funny guy, I get the call... I'm 100 percent Greek,… — Jason Mantzoukas Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, The ceremony which provides a man with something that, sooner or later, he will find he can't blame on the government; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when your mom compares you to another kid and she has no idea how much worse they are than… — Amit Verma Copy Share Image
You ask my advice about acting? Speak clearly, don't bump into the furniture and if you must have motivation, think of your… — Noel Coward Copy Share Image
“The world is full of unrequited love,' I said finally. 'You and Patrick having problems?' Dad said, reaching around to get the… — Phyllis Reynolds Naylor Copy Share Image
When your significant other asks if she looks fat in an outfit...simply smile grab a random dress and say "Not as fat… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. Once again he was close. Too close. So damn close. “At all,” she… — Jill Shalvis Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. In my dream I stole all your money, kidnapped your parents, and mailed you mannequin parts… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
Wondering why logging onto Face book has become part of the everyday routine?… Do I really have nothing better to do! — Serenity Karma Copy Share Image
When you're are playing for the national championship, it's not a matter of life or death. Its more important than that. — Duffy Daugherty Copy Share Image
Sometimes I'll put on a Zig Ziglar tape: he's a motivational speaker who is really funny and really American. I know I… — Laila Rouass Copy Share Image
When a human being trips I laugh at them. When I drop my phone my heart skips a beat. That sums up… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I don't really tell a joke, I react to situations. The whole thing is just looking at somebody and showing all our… — Don Rickles Copy Share Image
If you wagered $5,000 on each of my winning NFL picks in 2012 and $500 ($550) on each of my losing picks, you'd be ahead $70,050. Wow. — Norman Chad Copy Share Image
Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny. It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I am a fan of all genres. My big thing is to serve the purpose of the script and what the director… — Terry Crews Copy Share Image
Awkward psht, fumble a 6 year olds new toy at the family Christmas party for 15 minutes to get it to work,… — Trim1man Copy Share Image
The Secretary, working in the Dismal Swamp betimes next morning, was informed that a youth waited in the hall who gave the… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
“I had everything before I met you." he said, unable to make eye contact with me. "Funny" I said with more sadness… — John Goode Copy Share Image
“Oh, storms. That was awful." "No it was funny. You seem to get those two mixed up a lot. Don't worry. I'm… — Brandon Sanderson Copy Share Image
Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
What I've found is if you get the right characters in the right story and put them in the right setting -… — Mike Bartlett Copy Share Image
“I'm sorry I laughed...I know it isn't funny for you. It was incredibly stupid of me to laugh. Does it hurt a… — Per Petterson Copy Share Image
Crazy is going to walmart and Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!. etc.… — Ash Sweeney Copy Share Image
“It's sometimes funny to watch some people doing something the wrong way but doing it confidently. Even more funny, they succeeded.” — Toba Beta [Betelgeuse Incident Copy Share Image
“Who," coughed Zvonok, "do you think broke your favorite teacup last fall? The one with the cherries on the handle?" "I was… — Catherynne M. Valente Copy Share Image
“She's in the Catskill," Shopie began, but Scathach reached over and pinched her hand. "Ouch!" I just wanted to distract you," Scathach… — Michael Scott Copy Share Image
“You’re not the only one in this relationship who loves a challenge,” he says. “And just so you know for the future,… — Simone Elkeles Copy Share Image
“Hello?" I say, sounding upbeat, and like I'm happy to be on the phone. I decide to pretend it's my imaginary girlfriend.… — Lauren Barnholdt Copy Share Image
I understand a woman who validates herself by getting attention from the opposite sex. I have a friend who is that to… — Cheryl Hines Copy Share Image
“Here you are. Would you like some pickles?” “Pickles gives me the wind something awful.” “In that case—” “Oh, I wasn’t saying… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
You can't make Christ funny. He's self-aware, he's too flexible within the situation. It's rigidity, it's when the ego takes over and… — John Cleese Copy Share Image
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
It's funny because I think a lot of it is simply... We've never considered ourselves satirists, but because we're on Comedy Central… — Trey Parker Copy Share Image
