For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure… — Dennis Miller Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I… — Bauvard Copy Share Image
It seems despite your exhaustive defensive strategies, you still have a bit of a security problem, Headmaster. And I'm afraid it's quite… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“A friend of Diagoras pointed out an expensive display of votive gifts and said, ' You think the gods have no care… — Diagoras of Melos Copy Share Image
It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
It's funny. Some people now are like, 'Why would you transition? Why can't you just be comfortable how you were born?' That… — Teddy Geiger Copy Share Image
I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well,… — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
I have never heard enough classical music to be able to enjoy it; & the simple truth is, I detest it. Not… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I think that 'Saving Grace' is pretty funny. I think that the show and the woman have a pretty great sense of… — Holly Hunter Copy Share Image
I think its funny when someone updates their status with a depressing quote or about something bad that happened, and then people… — Azgraybebly Joslan Copy Share Image
I try to sign for as many kids as possible. Kids come first, and I'll always sign for a kid before an… — Derek Jeter Copy Share Image
“He was becoming aware that there was no such thing as over-the-top with Lawrence Davenport, as long as you were talking to… — Jeffrey Archer Copy Share Image
I never in my life had the opportunity to go to events and get paid for it. How ridiculous is that? It's… — Evan Mock Copy Share Image
People are always surprised that I have a funny side because I'm usually so intense, strong and dramatic. But, I'd love to… — Catherine Bell Copy Share Image
The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when R.Kelly dies and God asks him : Are you a mountain,Are you a tall tree,are you really the… — Boat_Grandberry Copy Share Image
Some of the funniest things are just situations in life that are funny. The way people interact. People describing their first kiss… — Nathan Fielder Copy Share Image
I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Funny moments of d students… . . During xamz...: . . yeh b ho gya . . yeh b ho gya .… — Julie Prince Copy Share Image
In a funny way, when things went wrong in my life - and it is my fault that they went wrong, it… — Kimberly Quinn Copy Share Image
God, in a dream, talked to me, and he gave me that name. I'm like, 'you know what God? That is a… — Nick Young Copy Share Image
“Cages, spanking benches, sawhorses, bondage tables. Scene after scene. Throaty moans, high screams, whining, whimpering, and groaning. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. All… — Cherise Sinclair Copy Share Image
I'm just trying to be funny, trying to make people laugh, and trying to make the world a better place through some… — Carlos Mencia Copy Share Image
It's funny: there's this idea where Kenny is only good because he can do what he wants, and he gets time. Well,… — Kenny Omega Copy Share Image
The 'Hey now's' are delivered as people pass me. As I just get near ear range, I hear, 'Hey now!' and that's… — Jeffrey Tambor Copy Share Image
They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
“By God, you Assassins are a cheery bunch, eh? All frowns and furrowed brows.” He glared at me. “Captain Kenway. You have… — Oliver Bowden Copy Share Image
Well, first you have to be very, very funny. I have realized that it is essential for a boy to be funny.… — Jaclyn Moriarty Copy Share Image
'Benidorm' is such a great show. There's nothing else like it. You might think the characters are far-fetched, but then you get… — Sheridan Smith Copy Share Image
Strange questions are the more interesting ones. Children by and large don't try to trip you up... they want to find out… — Michael Morpurgo Copy Share Image
I had a bully as a kid. He was dyslexic, so he used to stick Me Kick signs on my back. Then… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
In my experience, it's not just that serious books get a hearing on comedy shows. But serious books get a serious hearing,… — Michael Mandelbaum Copy Share Image
“Cardan glances toward me, as though for help. When I am silent, he frowns, annoyed with both of us. 'Although I am… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
Guys are like yellow Starbursts, they look good from the outside but when you get a little deeper, they make you want… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I fixed your car," he said, tossing the keys from a jade dish on the little maple end table. I palmed them… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
...Everyone has their own sound, and if you're heard enough, folks will come to recognize it. Style however, is a different thing.… — Chet Atkins Copy Share Image
I'm not actually motivated by trying to help anyone or make other people go to therapy. My only aim is that people… — Simon Amstell Copy Share Image
“Now, can I help you with something? I’m new, but I’ll do my best to figure out how to get what you… — Cherise Sinclair Copy Share Image
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
