The difference between 40 year old cooch and 20 (year old cooch) is the amount of time I wait. That's it. 20… — Patrice O'Neal Copy Share Image
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch -… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
MEN-opause MEN-strual MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN?? — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
When I say, 'I can't stay long, I'm in-between meals,' that plays differently on the radio than it does in person. So… — Louie Anderson Copy Share Image
“I tear my lips away from hers and fling her over my shoulder. “Hey!” she protests, kicking her feet and slapping me… — Dolores Lane Copy Share Image
“I brought you some coffee.” he held out the cup but she waved it away. “I hate that stuff. It tastes like… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
“Marianne would have thought herself very inexcusable had she been able to sleep at all the first night after parting from Willoughby.… — Jane Austen Copy Share Image
I think the thrust of any child is to try to fit in and be part of it. And I can't tell… — Howie Mandel Copy Share Image
Dear kindergartens texting on an iPhone, When I was your age, I had to use cups strung together by a string and… — Alisa Gattus Copy Share Image
The only thing that matters to me about my stories is that they're entertaining and they're funny. And I tend to get… — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
THE T.V SAID'''Lets make love on back of a whale at sea world, Or chocolate factory, or in a hot air balloon,… — Jazzy Copy Share Image
I did everything I could do and tried as hard as I could. In light of how I putted, I guess second… — Cristie Kerr Copy Share Image
Every man has a definite style to attract woman. But the golden rule says: No one is tempted, if she is not… — Laine Copy Share Image
“I can't go into a long explanation before company; but I couldn't help it, upon my honour." Upon your what?" growled Sikes,… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
We did a thing that we would call we call 'hirstories.' H - I - R - S - T - O… — Jeffrey Tambor Copy Share Image
Deaar boysss : your dicck is not likeee pinocchio's noseee. It wont qet lonqer every timee youuu liee bout its sizeee. Sincerelyy , Reality'. — REaliTy Copy Share Image
“I do not go to church. I don’t go to Christian church or Jew church or any other church. I don’t go… — Michael Ian Black Copy Share Image
“So did you murder Balekin?' Nihuar asks me, clearly able to put off her curiosity no longer. 'Yes,' I say. 'After he… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
I think everyone is born funny. Sadly, some lives beat it out of them. I don't know what allows someone to keep… — Catherine O'Hara Copy Share Image
It's a funny thing: You want so badly for people to see what you do - you're proud of it - and… — Kristen Stewart Copy Share Image
Funny songs aren't usually that good. Like Weird Al and maybe a couple of Beatles songs, but it's kind of hard to… — Win Butler Copy Share Image
For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“It’s my Prom King, Brett. He’s tapping at the window, wanting me to roll it down or to get out of the… — P. K. Darling Copy Share Image
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If you're contriving something, if you're making something up, it's not funny. You can tell. It's instant. It has to come from… — Jane Lynch Copy Share Image
It's funny, but people still get us mixed up. They come up to me and say, 'Gee, we still remember how great… — Jackie Coogan Copy Share Image
“Oh! Do you have a pocketknife?" He narrowed his eyes at me. "Pocketknife?" "Don't men your age always have pocketknives?" I asked… — Jenn Bennett Copy Share Image
I like the clowns from the circus that have more paint on their face. They were all funny and made me laugh.… — Peter Stormare Copy Share Image
It's funny the way life works. Sometimes you go around in a weird path to find out exactly what it is that… — Haylie Duff Copy Share Image
Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
“I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don't want to be friends. - Raven… — R.J. Dennis Copy Share Image
My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from… — Adam Ferrara Copy Share Image
“Working for Mab now, are you, Wolfman?" he smirked. "Like a good little attack dog? Will you also roll over and beg… — Julie Kagawa Copy Share Image
“They thought more before nine a.m. than most people thought all month. I remember once declining cherry pie at dinner, and Rand… — Gillian Flynn Copy Share Image
Asian Pregnancy Test: Insert Rubix Cube into the vagina and pull it out thirty seconds later. If it is solved, you're pregnant. — Amit Verma Copy Share Image
I never felt sorry for the people in 'Friends' though. They had enormous wealth and they were very funny, creative people who… — Helen Baxendale Copy Share Image
While it may not heighten our sympathy, wit widens our horizons by its flashes, revealing remote hidden affiliations and drawing laughter from… — Marie Taylor Collins Swabey Copy Share Image
Twinkle twinkle little star, you should know what you are, and once you know what you are, Mental hospital is not so… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The only thing that is different from one time to another is what is seen and what is seen depends upon how… — Gertrude Stein Copy Share Image
Dear sneeze, if you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and leave it at that. Sincerely .… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
