I dont dream that much, but for a long time I had a recurring dream which wasnt funny at all. I was… — Hugh Dennis Copy Share Image
I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I… — Richard Pryor Copy Share Image
“They say watch the breathing, watch the diet and for God’s sake make that kid go quiet. But they never say: “I… — Mircea Popister Copy Share Image
The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
What I think is funny is when people, despite tragic situations, are still hopeful, still trying. It's sweet and sad - and,… — Casey Wilson Copy Share Image
Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled — Dan Quayle Copy Share Image
One of these suburbs is actually named Stalingrad, which goes to show that the French have learned nothing about politics since they… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“My aunt made me an offer I had to refuse," said Jared. He looked forbidding. Kami knew that expression, and remembered the… — Sarah Rees Brennan Copy Share Image
I'm not really into destiny, but it's funny - I bumped into a woman who told me about an audition, and now… — Georgina Campbell Copy Share Image
Here in the news media, our focus is on speed. When we get hold of some new and possibly inaccurate information, our… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy.… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
“My book sales are way down today. Also, I've received two scathing reviews. One of them calls me “a purveyor of insipid… — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
1,2 the stalker is coming for you. 3,4 better block that whore. 5,6 she's a creeping bitch. 7,8 ain't sure if she straight. 9,10 she's stalking again. — Brii Ann Copy Share Image
Nine out of 10 times these guys will hit it-they'll be on something incredibly funny, but one out of 10, two out… — Peter Farrelly Copy Share Image
“It’s funny… when you’re young you spend your life trying to convince yourself you’re not like your parents. And then, every now… — Kenny Porpora Copy Share Image
Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The… — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
Dear 4th grader on facebook, How are you in a complicated relationship? What'd he do, stealyour animal crackers? -. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I can think of no better way to honor our fallen Civil War Union soldiers than by reminding Confederate flag-wavers that our… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the… — Andy Rooney Copy Share Image
I remember being four or five, not understanding how to be funny, so just going around the house and my mum and… — James Acaster Copy Share Image
Hey Guys I Just Got Home My Head Is Killing Me But I Took a Medicine. And I'll be on and Post… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
There Would Be Less Number Of Princesses Or Angels In Heaven, Than The Number Of Angels And Princesses On Facebook.. — Hemant Smarty Copy Share Image
“Not everyone who talks less or keeps quiet whenever they are with or around you does that because they find you interesting… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“You took your clothes off?" "You didn't notice?" "No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you." "If you look under the covers,… — Janet Evanovich Copy Share Image
She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
If it turns out that President Barack Obama can make a deal with the most intransigent, hard-line, unreasonable, totalitarian mullahs in the… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
“I didn’t know you enjoyed tree climbing.' 'Tree reading actually. It’s an art which should not be conducted while lethargic….” — Grace Hitchcock Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names', but the fact is that no matter what… — Frank Zappa Copy Share Image
I don't feel any pressure to be funny at all. I'm funny because I want to be funny. I could sit here… — Jim Carrey Copy Share Image
Matt LeBlanc thinks his own jokes are funny which is problematic when you're driving along - he expects you to laugh and… — Chris Harris Copy Share Image
3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it… — Meee Copy Share Image
When I see something, I know why something's funny or seems to be funny. But in the end it's just another picture… — Garry Winogrand Copy Share Image
“The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way—contributing 2% as I just sort… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
Some of my favorites include 'Walking the Room' and 'Never Not Funny' and 'FitzDog Radio', Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast. — Nikki Glaser Copy Share Image
The awkward moment, when you have anticipated a first kiss from someone you really like and their breath hits you before their… — Rashida Rowe Copy Share Image
I think 'Deadpool' worked because of what it was. I think 'Deadpool' worked because it was funny. I think 'Deadpool' worked because… — Tim Miller Copy Share Image
“May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
