I tend to develop my rambling anecdotes by actually getting up and performing them. That's the joy/horror of stand up - if… — Greg Davies Copy Share Image
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
99% of teenagers would cry if they saw Justin Bieber standing on top of a tower about to jump. If you are… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dating a Cashier is All Fun and Shxxt Till you Try and Get laid with her and She Asks ''PLASTIC?'' When she… — Oupa Copy Share Image
I wouldn't say it's competitive. I think everyone has their time. Gisele is having her time, and Shirley had her time, and… — Adriana Lima Copy Share Image
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
“To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I take Charb's point, but at some point has Charlie Hebdo been trying to have it both ways because some of what… — Scott Simon Copy Share Image
All women's dresses, in every age and country, are merely variations on the eternal struggle between the admitted desire to dress and… — Lyn Yutang Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you says the girl by the pool is a hot piece o' ass, and it turns out to… — Colten Franks Copy Share Image
When I play discos in Belfast or freshers' week in Oxford, there are 1,800 kids dressed as me. It's odd, it's funny,… — David Hasselhoff Copy Share Image
I laugh every day. There are days when my laughs are pretty hollow. Dust comes out of your mouth, and your bones… — James L. Brooks Copy Share Image
She said: come on let's do it, YOLO! He said: But if you get pregnant, YOYO! She said: what is that?? He… — Relationships Copy Share Image
I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
The thing is, not everyone is funny, is the reality. That's terrifying! You either have the comedic timing or you don't. — Melissa Barrera Copy Share Image
You mostly know that you want to be funny, know that you have the desire. It's not like people who grow up… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
“First of all is the fact that I have some rather good turns of phrase. I don't say that pridefully ... it's… — Rachel Heffington Copy Share Image
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One is fun to smash with a hammer and the other one is… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
It's funny - there can be so many people around you and so many fans, and you can still feel a bit… — Laufey Copy Share Image
A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
“So it's true what they say about warlocks, then?" Alec gave him a very unpleasant look. " What's true?" "Alexander," said Magnus… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
WIFE, A woman who can spot a blond hair on her husband's coat from ten feet away but can never see a… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Looks like we have quite the predicament here, boys.” I smile at both of them, then eye the coffee in Breckin’s hands.… — Colleen Hoover Copy Share Image
I wish I could be as thin as Jessica Simpson. I think she looks gorgeous! I have had Jessica on my show… — Rachael Ray Copy Share Image
“Well," I ask, leaning over him, "do you wish to stay?" "I do." "And why is that, Cole?" I say, tipping toward… — Victoria Schwab Copy Share Image
It is a base thing for the countenance to be obedient and to regulate and compose itself as the mind commands, and… — Marcus Aurelius Copy Share Image
According to parents we're too young for love, too old for fun, too smart to play dumb and too immature for grown… — Sheryne Brooks Copy Share Image
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Silence is the best answer of all questions and Smile is the best reaction in all situations. Unfortunately both never help in… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“its funny how i didn't like reading but i love it know the young adult books are base on kids my age… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I’ve been trying to write the perfect book since high school. e results are in a large Rubbermaid tub in my closet.… — Jason W. Freeman Copy Share Image
A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
Sometimes, you just get in this mentality of 'Fuck you, this is funny.' If you don't think so, you're the asshole. — Seth Rogen Copy Share Image
At the zoo, all the animals have a decent composure, except for the monkeys. You get the feeling man is very close… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off… — Rowan Atkinson Copy Share Image
It's funny, the power of music. I was watching 'Dracula,' the 1931 version with Bela Lugosi, and the only music you hear… — John 5 Copy Share Image
There's always something you missed or something you didn't notice or somehow you got wrong... I don't really have a beginning. — Damien Hirst Copy Share Image
