Funny Quotes · Page 857

True holiness is not achieved by what we do, but what we allow God to do in us.

— Mark Hart

I wonder if fat guys leave their shirts on when they fuck?

— Green Monk

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

— Bill Bailey

If you can't control your reproduction, you can't control your life.

— Joycelyn Elders

When someone says wow you are a pervert , look at them, smile & say it took you this long to figure that out?

— Nikhil Saluja

What's funny is that you can think you really value your life until you almost lose it.

— Alan Alda

“If I go back home to Wittenberg, I'll lie down in a coffin and give the maggots a fat doctor to eat.”

— Martin Luther

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

— Ogden Nash

“He’s a vampire.” I laughed again, feeling there was no end to the outrageous, ridiculous excuses we were coming up with. “Seriously,…

— J.M. Richards

Never give up..never tap out..cause what I have learned from wwe is there's always a reversal of every submission moves

— Asif

And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who…

— Denis Norden

The jokes I was always attracted to, and that I would tell for the longest, were jokes where I cared about the…

— W. Kamau Bell

I will do comedy until the day I die: inappropriate comedy, funny comedy, gender-bending, twisting comedy, whatever comedy is out there.

— Sandra Bullock

It's funny: over time, if you're fortunate, you build a nice career, and you have these interesting moments, and I would not,…

— John Ridley

In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does…

— Dave Barry

Never criticize your wife directly. If she looks fat in the new dress, say 'honey you have got this dress one size…

— Adhir Amadavadi

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.

— Steve Martin

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

— George Carlin

Jack Black is so funny! On and off screen, like, he would make you laugh every day. He's hilarious.

— Caitlin Hale

I used to be very funny, but I used it all up in my characters.

— Paul Whitehouse

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

— Mark Twain

1 Facebook friend request* 0 Mutual friends. You're not even from my country, how the hell did you find me ?!

— Anonymous

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.

— Sarah Silverman

This global recession has had a detrimental effect on my sex life. It's ages since I've been able to afford it.

— Anonymous

Listen carefully, because I don't repeat myself - and if I do, I get testy.

— Laura Schlessinger

It's funny how things change slowly, until the day we realize they've changed completely.

— Nancy Gibbs

If I'm playing an Indian in a Hollywood film, I won't do it in any funny Indian accent.

— Huma Qureshi

I'm not just random. You just don't think as fast as me.

— Anonymous

Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.

— Jerry Coleman

I may be sad now but the next time you see me I will happy knowing I'm one step closer finding MR.Right.

— Miranda

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

— Neil Simon

“Look at him,” she said, shaking her head. “Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom.”

— Jamie McGuire

On hitting a shaken opponent - His legs turned to spaghetti and I was all over him like the sauce.

— Vinny Paz

Happy Father's Day to someone who knew long before me that all the boys I brought home were jerks.

— Anonymous

Men have always been afraid that women could get along without them.

— Margaret Mead

Why do porn stars tweet pics of their kids? Factory workers don't tweet pics of their on-the-job accidents ..

— Green Monk

You're a part of me. I'm a part of you and we are all a part of this great nothingness.

— Frederick Lenz

Until now they have refused to do battle with us. They are just going places.

— Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Only through service and sacrifice can you become great.

— Jon Gordon

For each time you smile you will find it's true somebody, somewhere, will smile back at you.

— Helen Steiner Rice