I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Funny enough, you know who I used to really like in Lion King? It was Scar. — Burna Boy Copy Share Image
Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
OK, thank you Yoshi. Between you, Vladimir, and Maryse, I won't understand a word this entire season. — Matt Striker Copy Share Image
Reading text messages while half asleep is like looking into the sun. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Women are like internet viruses they enter your life, scan your pocket, edit your mind, download their problems, delete your smile... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“He had waited until I had my door open, then driven away. The perfect gentleman. Sort of like Dracula just before he… — Toni Andrews Copy Share Image
My favorite app is 'StumbleUpon,' because it just gives you interesting things that are sometimes exactly the stuff I'm interested in and… — Christine Quinn Copy Share Image
I've never worked in my natural accent, having studied so hard to get rid of it when I moved to England as… — Gina Bellman Copy Share Image
“He grinned at Azriel. 'You handing Eris's ass to him will be my new fantasy at night, by the way.' Azriel didn't… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
“I love food. I love soda. I love watching movies and reading books. I love these things a little to much. I… — Sarah Willey Copy Share Image
As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to… — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
When my parents were dating, they were very poor, so my dad couldn't take my mom out. They would go to the… — Parker Posey Copy Share Image
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The goal is to be the observer of your thoughts and not let your thoughts control you. — Deepak Chopra Copy Share Image
Delete me... Like most of y'all who can't handle what I have to say :') Dont got time for any of y'all. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
BOY: hey dad I got a girlfriend DAD: good job son!...GIRL: daddy I got a boyfriend DAD: (loads shotgun) — Ana Copy Share Image
We're so insecure, comedians. 'Did you laugh? Do you think I was funny?' — Julian Barratt Copy Share Image
We have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the reservoir. — Samuel Goldwyn Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when... You hear a joke in someone else's conversation & accidentally laugh. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I am a little afraid of giving people advice for fear that they might follow it. — Vikrant Parsai Copy Share Image
The pyramids themselves, doting with age, have forgotten the names of their founders. — Thomas Fuller Copy Share Image
I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed. — David Mitchell Copy Share Image
Funny, I think that the only reason I'm compared to Prince is because of my skin color. — Velveteen Dream Copy Share Image
Amiability is very often a weakness, but the most unobjectionable one as a rule. — Sydney, Lady Morgan Copy Share Image
You have to change on the inside before change will happen on the outside. — Joel Osteen Copy Share Image
Keep your friends close and your alcohol closer. Then get drunk and insult your friends. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
