The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
Muhammad Ali: Superman Don't need no seat belt. Flight Attendant: Superman Don't need no airplane, either. — Clifton Fadiman Copy Share Image
To heal is to touch with love that which we previously touched with fear. — Stephen Levine Copy Share Image
It's difficult for me to tell whether girls like me for who I am as a person. Damn my incredibly massive penis. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Everybody loves classical music they just don't know about it yet. — Benjamin Zander Copy Share Image
I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Nobody cares that youre smart and nobody cares that your kids dont have bruises. — Jim Jefferies Copy Share Image
In Nova Scotia, there are some definite down-home accents, and it's funny because you can go to Sydney, and one guy is… — Diego Klattenhoff Copy Share Image
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm very much like the person I am on the show. I'm certainly not as ambitious; no, that's not… — Samantha Bee Copy Share Image
You know, the funny thing was that I grew up listening to, like Whitney Houston and Cece Winans, and a lot of… — Heather Headley Copy Share Image
Today, it's my birthday. My parents, whom I live with, told me that they did not get me anything, but instead they… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you stand for a reason, be prepared to stand like a tree..If you fall onto the ground, fall like a seed… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I’m looking for Fat Hoochie Prom Queen,” I declared. He did not respond. “It’s a book,” I said. “Not a person.” Nope.… — Rachel Cohn Copy Share Image
“Helion threw himself onto the couch across from Cassian and Mor. He'd ditched that radiant crown somewhere, but kept that gold armband… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a shitload of beer and tacos and that's close enough. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
I really like my life. I've arranged my life so that I can do what I want. — Warren Buffett Copy Share Image
If you dont drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, And then I got home... — Jim Jefferies Copy Share Image
I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. — Mike Tyson Copy Share Image
The state of life is most happy where superfluities are not required and necessities are not wanting. — Plutarch Copy Share Image
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Everything we do is infused with the energy with which we do it... — Marianne Williamson Copy Share Image
Maturity does not always come with age; sometimes age comes alone. — John C. Maxwell Copy Share Image
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Katie purred in pleasure as she licked the beating vein in Jared’s neck.” — Jodie B. Cooper Copy Share Image
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
When I go into the studio, I'm strictly for business... I don't like any fooling around in the studio. — Otis Redding Copy Share Image
It's better to go slowly in the right direction than go speeding off in the wrong direction. — Simon Sinek Copy Share Image
Most copywriters are like engines. They take a while to warm up to get to the point. — Drayton Bird Copy Share Image
