Denis Norden

There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car.

— Denis Norden

Middle age is when, whenever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater.

— Denis Norden

We saw more of each other than we did of our wives. We wrote everything together. But how long can you go…

— Denis Norden

And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who…

— Denis Norden

I used to like writing for comedians - I enjoyed the challenge of making other people funny.

— Denis Norden

I have better peripheral vision in my left. It is quite hard to remain optimistic, but I have found the Macular Society,…

— Denis Norden

You know you're getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable two people can do in bed together is R-E-A-D.

— Denis Norden

If all the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players, where do all the audiences come from?

— Denis Norden

A counter tenor is anyone who can count to ten.

— Denis Norden

I've written not milestones of cinema but millstones.

— Denis Norden

And if you can offer an explanation as to why it doesn't work then you've got to the whole root of comedy.

— Denis Norden

I recognise the pure gold that runs in Andy Hamilton and Guy Jenkin's work for 'Outnumbered' on TV. And on radio, I…

— Denis Norden

Then after that came word processors and it's hard to make those laugh.

— Denis Norden

You can't have your kayak and heat it.

— Denis Norden

If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it.

— Denis Norden

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you…

— Denis Norden

Bob Monkhouse, Galton and Simpson, Spike Milligan and I all started around the same time with an enormous advantage: working to an…

— Denis Norden

Frank liked administrative work and was good at it.

— Denis Norden

Everyone who appears in a scene gets paid.

— Denis Norden

I defy anyone to get a decision that quickly these days.

— Denis Norden

My father made bridal dresses, which he sold wholesale, and always wanted me to join him. He looked upon what I did…

— Denis Norden

I'm not a great fan of the modern style of personal agonising, which crops up a bit too often for my liking.

— Denis Norden

Is the opposite of light entertainment meant to be dark and heavy?

— Denis Norden

I prefer radio to television. Radio is a dialogue; television is a monologue. In radio, you have to interact - they put…

— Denis Norden

The comedians all finished their acts with a song. They would get a certain amount of money from the song publishers and…

— Denis Norden