Apparently, everyone smokes weed...but everyone is passing drug tests too...hmmmm — Jerett Parker Copy Share Image
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait". — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Giving your best friend the look when someone is being annoying as hell...!:) — Stay_true_4_life Copy Share Image
When they say that I am too old to make a thing, I try to make it immediately. — Pablo Picasso Copy Share Image
It’s not what you do some of the time that counts, it’s what you do all of the time that counts. — Jack LaLanne Copy Share Image
“You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference.” — Amit Kalantri Copy Share Image
If your life is all about screwing things and getting hammered, then congratulations, youre a tool. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I wasn't going to rob her, or touch her. I was just going to kill her. — David Berkowitz Copy Share Image
“Loneliness tortures many if not most of the elderly more intensely and more frequently than it torments many if not most of… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
A good sketch show, in my opinion, gets together a bunch of fun, funny people and collects their brainfarts, and shares them. — Will Sasso Copy Share Image
For the better part of the first year in college, I didn't understand a single joke. For the better part of the… — Jon Rahm Copy Share Image
I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
“I answered that I was sure, and he asked me again, and this time I understood his concern. ‘I’m not embarrassed!’ I… — Peter Allison Copy Share Image
I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
I have never considered myself English Both my husband and my son say I don't understand English humour, and they don't always… — Princess Michael of Kent Copy Share Image
I'm a very funny person that doesn't get the chance to do a lot of comedy, and the same thing with my… — Malik Yoba Copy Share Image
He who gives you the diameter of your knowledge,presc ribes the circumference of your activities. — Louis Farrakhan Copy Share Image
A group of idiots led by a wise man can defeat a group of wise people led by an idiot. — Senora Roy Copy Share Image
It's really unimaginable that I could start where I was and get here today. — Steve Harvey Copy Share Image
“The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification” — Josh Stern Copy Share Image
“Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry.” — Jennifer Lynn Barnes Copy Share Image
In the main, there are two sorts of books: those that no one reads and those that no one ought to read. — H. L. Mencken Copy Share Image
Happy Halloween to someone I trust not to leave me for dead during a zombie apocalypse. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. — WCFields Copy Share Image
It's funny, I never considered that people are going to see me on the show and maybe stop me on the subway. — Lena Dunham Copy Share Image
Exceed due measure, and the most delightful things become the least delightful. — Epictetus Copy Share Image
When people say When I was little… and I'm just awkwardly sitting there like, I still do that — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed. — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
