It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life. — Jackie Mason Congressman Copy Share Image
A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner. — Jackie Mason Foreigners Copy Share Image
I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to. — Jackie Mason Future Copy Share Image
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. — Jackie Mason Enough Copy Share Image
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs. — Jackie Mason Everything Copy Share Image
Even the Republican Party doesn't have the legs to challenge Hillary Clinton. — Jackie Mason Challenges Copy Share Image
Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it? — Jackie Mason Drug Copy Share Image
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. .… — Jackie Mason Gentleman Copy Share Image
I have a great identification with Judaism as a religion and as a culture, and all the values that created such a… — Jackie Mason Culture Copy Share Image
If you wanted to hear politics, you'd go to Henry Kissinger; you wouldn't go to hear Jackie Mason. The reason I speak… — Jackie Mason Go Copy Share Image
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know… — Jackie Mason Art Copy Share Image
All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're… — Jackie Mason America Copy Share Image
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the… — Jackie Mason Bigs Copy Share Image
I have always found myself trying to study and analyze the world around me - not just taking everything for granted and… — Jackie Mason Education Copy Share Image
You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy… — Jackie Mason Cheat Copy Share Image
The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy… — Jackie Mason Behavior Copy Share Image
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on… — Jackie Mason Austria Copy Share Image
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values… — Jackie Mason Better world Copy Share Image
The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's… — Jackie Mason Come up Copy Share Image
Jews are told that they should spend their lives helping others and when they make a lot of money it really bothers… — Jackie Mason Bother Copy Share Image
Predictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they… — Jackie Mason Certain Copy Share Image
I used to hear on the radio people like Jack Benny or Bob Hope, but I never had any interest in their… — Jackie Mason Hope Copy Share Image
I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa… — Jackie Mason Caucus Copy Share Image
There are more Democratic schmucks than there are Republican ones. — Jackie Mason Democratic Copy Share Image
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen. — Jackie Mason Did you know Copy Share Image
I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives. — Jackie Mason Consumed Copy Share Image
A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval. — Jackie Mason Approval Copy Share Image
It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want. — Jackie Mason Discovering Copy Share Image
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one? — Jackie Mason Accountant Copy Share Image
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me. — Jackie Mason Ball player Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares. — Jackie Mason Care Copy Share Image
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. — Jackie Mason Doctor Copy Share Image
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why! — Jackie Mason Friendship Copy Share Image
Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable! — Jackie Mason Accountant Copy Share Image
“Anybody who's in favor of gun control is a fucking moron.” — Jackie Mason Amendment Copy Share Image
The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the… — Jackie Mason Believe Copy Share Image
I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes… — Jackie Mason Audience Copy Share Image
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm… — Jackie Mason Anything Copy Share Image
