I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Predictions are preposterous. What usually happens is that people tell you that what they'd like to see happen instead of what they… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
If I'm a busboy in Philadelphia, then I have to be careful about what I say. But if I'm a public tycoon… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
People come to my shows and know that they're going to hear about what's going on in the world - what's happening… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one? — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Even the Republican Party doesn't have the legs to challenge Hillary Clinton. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why! — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to. — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . .… — Jackie Mason Copy Share Image
