If I'm a busboy in Philadelphia, then I have to be careful about what I say. But if I'm a public tycoon… — Jackie Mason Be careful Copy Share Image
It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink?… — Jackie Mason Cake Copy Share Image
While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as… — Jackie Mason Balls Copy Share Image
As a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth… — Jackie Mason Accepting Copy Share Image
Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it? — Jackie Mason Drug Copy Share Image
It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want. — Jackie Mason Discovering Copy Share Image
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. — Jackie Mason Enough Copy Share Image
The New York Times does an unbelievable amount of damage because every day television and radio stations along with the rest of… — Jackie Mason Amount Copy Share Image
Every comedian feels out an audience. As you're telling jokes, if they're not laughing at this, you change the subject. — Jackie Mason Audience Copy Share Image
Jews are told that they should spend their lives helping others and when they make a lot of money it really bothers… — Jackie Mason Bother Copy Share Image
The last thing we need is another Clinton to be our President. Believe me, one lowlife was enough. We don't need the… — Jackie Mason Believe Copy Share Image
All the Democrats do is bicker. They're not concerned about the war or the fate of the United States of America. They're… — Jackie Mason America Copy Share Image
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm… — Jackie Mason Anything Copy Share Image
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. — Jackie Mason Health Copy Share Image
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck. — Jackie Mason Truck Copy Share Image
The New York Times distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial. They never give an even-handed version of… — Jackie Mason Claims Copy Share Image
I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes… — Jackie Mason Audience Copy Share Image
The truth is I'm not at all surprised of the longevity of my career. In fact, I would be surprised if the… — Jackie Mason Believe Copy Share Image
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me. — Jackie Mason Ball player Copy Share Image
A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval. — Jackie Mason Approval Copy Share Image
Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything.… — Jackie Mason Country Copy Share Image
I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's… — Jackie Mason Believe Copy Share Image
They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried… — Jackie Mason Bash Copy Share Image
I used to hear on the radio people like Jack Benny or Bob Hope, but I never had any interest in their… — Jackie Mason Hope Copy Share Image
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life. — Jackie Mason Congressman Copy Share Image
