My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm… — Jackie Mason Anything Copy Share Image
The New York Times distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial. They never give an even-handed version of… — Jackie Mason Claims Copy Share Image
The New York Times does an unbelievable amount of damage because every day television and radio stations along with the rest of… — Jackie Mason Amount Copy Share Image
Every comedian feels out an audience. As you're telling jokes, if they're not laughing at this, you change the subject. — Jackie Mason Audience Copy Share Image
I didn't emphasize my Jewishness because I wanted to. I just happen to have been raised in a family where everybody happened… — Jackie Mason Everybody Copy Share Image
Older Jews think of Franklin Delano Roosevelt and see themselves as siding with the working class and the poor, so they continue… — Jackie Mason Class Copy Share Image
Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of… — Jackie Mason Car Copy Share Image
The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality,… — Jackie Mason Attention Copy Share Image
Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs. Clinton would be the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I'd have… — Jackie Mason Clinton Copy Share Image
The truth is I'm not at all surprised of the longevity of my career. In fact, I would be surprised if the… — Jackie Mason Believe Copy Share Image
They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried… — Jackie Mason Bash Copy Share Image
It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink?… — Jackie Mason Cake Copy Share Image
There is no way I would ever want to be president for a second. It's much easier to make fun of them… — Jackie Mason Fun Copy Share Image
If I'm a busboy in Philadelphia, then I have to be careful about what I say. But if I'm a public tycoon… — Jackie Mason Be careful Copy Share Image
Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything.… — Jackie Mason Country Copy Share Image
On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew… — Jackie Mason Abe Copy Share Image
As a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth… — Jackie Mason Accepting Copy Share Image
While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as… — Jackie Mason Balls Copy Share Image
Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what… — Jackie Mason Bills Copy Share Image
People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary. — Jackie Mason Criteria Copy Share Image
I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's… — Jackie Mason Believe Copy Share Image
Truthfully, with the Republicans, I don't see that much wrong with them. — Jackie Mason Democracy Copy Share Image
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. — Jackie Mason America Copy Share Image
Only the Republican Party cares about the issues that concern me. — Jackie Mason Care Copy Share Image
I have no idea what's going to happen with America in the future. — Jackie Mason America Copy Share Image
I knew nothing about professional comedians when I became a comedian. I was a rabbi. So I had no professional comedians to… — Jackie Mason About Copy Share Image
America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress. — Jackie Mason America Copy Share Image
I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't… — Jackie Mason Bother Copy Share Image
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball… — Jackie Mason Able Copy Share Image
The main problem with the Democrats is their utter negativity. They're made up of schumucks and hypocrites. They also have higher levels… — Jackie Mason Democracy Copy Share Image
I am very proud of my career and that I've the health, thank God, to continue doing this for so long. — Jackie Mason God Copy Share Image
A schmuck is a general term of disrespect. It's a term of contempt and derision. It applies to a lot of people. — Jackie Mason Contempt Copy Share Image
Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible. — Jackie Mason Bible Copy Share Image
I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When… — Jackie Mason Army Copy Share Image
My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole… — Jackie Mason Grandfather Copy Share Image
The New York Times claims that they publish all the news that's fit to print but what they really do is print… — Jackie Mason Agendas Copy Share Image
