Funny Quotes · Page 122

I'm more of a man than any liberal.

— Ann Coulter

Such as I am, I am a precious gift.

— Zora Neale Hurston

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

— Woody Allen

Chris Guest movies are funny.

— Michael Keaton

“Or maybe I, like, cuddle raped him or something.”

— Lauren Barnholdt

Come cook food with me and do nothing.

— Aziz Ansari

“Nature is a porno. Deal with it.”

— Craig Benzine

There is no such thing as "Just a cat.

— Robert A. Heinlein

Someone told me I should run for president. Dont you think that weve had enough boobs in the White House?

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.

— Anonymous

I am dating, but it is hard to find someone quick enough and funny enough. I am quite demanding.

— Anne Robinson

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

— Frank Carson

It is what a woman, leaves off, not what she puts on that gives her cachet

— Paul Poiret

It's not the parts of the Bible I don't know that worries me...it's the parts that I do.

— Mark Twain

I just sit ther and do what I vowed I would never do - talk back to the television.

— George H. W. Bush

I'm a woofer, not a tweeter; a writer, not a telegrapher; an essayist, not an aphorist.

— Richard Turner

You know you're addicted to Call of Duty when you go to work, take your boss's suitcase, make beeping sounds, and then…

— Alec Straub

Sorry. Im no longer in a mood to post anything anymore. someone in this house upset me.i don't want to even attempt…

— Anonymous

I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIS order of wings…

— Anonymous

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell,…

— Bruce Baum

I personally love the record-making more than the actually performing and travelling. It's funny, the drastic shift in lifestyle that comes with…

— Washed Out

“Which is your bad shoulder?" His brows knit together. "The left," he said carefully. She slugged him in the right. He staggered.…

— Cindy Gerard

Guys who try to use the Are you on your period? as a way to end an argument always amuse me. Because…

— Katie Grabil

*On a roller coaster* Other People; AHHH! WOOOHOO! - Me: HOLY SHIT. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. I'M GONNA DIE, GET…

— Amit Verma

Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!

— Homer

Everybody hears, but few listen.

— Bobby Knight

I am deeply fulfilled by all that I do.

— Louise Hay

Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

— Natasha Leggero

There are no small sins against a great God

— J. I. Packer

Our lives will be measured by what we do for others

— Albert Einstein

Me: LOL, no I'm not a fan. I'm his wife.

— Anonymous

I think people are naturally funny.

— Ruth Jones

“Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)”

— Simon Ewins

If you think of yourself as funny, you become tragic.

— Ramandeep Singh

The Sting of a reproach, is the Truth of it.

— Benjamin Franklin

You can either be a con or a man—you can’t be both.

— Peter Burke

Birdes of a feather will flocke togither.

— Martial

Some people recognize me. I really like it.

— Miley Cyrus

When I am through learning, I am through.

— John Wooden

I became a vegan because I'm better than you

— Thom Yorke