Alec Straub

Wow! These [soccer] balls are sticky! [That's what she said.]

— Alec Straub

The dyslexic atheist says There is no dog!

— Alec Straub

Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana.

— Alec Straub

I aint a redneck 'cause I talk American real good!

— Alec Straub

If you mess up, you learned something: don't do it again.

— Alec Straub

Only you can prevent forest fires - by choosing not to have fun. Yeah, I'm a pyro.

— Alec Straub

You know you're a redneck when your pickup breaks down and you fix it. On the front lawn.

— Alec Straub

Band director: Tromboners, remember to be in the right position. Trumpeters, finger fast and blow hard.

— Alec Straub

Guys, if you keep a you-know-what in your wallet, it's only good for a month or two. So, out with the old,…

— Alec Straub

If the world was run by women, it would be mostly peaceful with heated arguments every 28 days.

— Alec Straub

I'm too old to die!

— Alec Straub

I'm not questioning; I'm just asking.

— Alec Straub

Have you seen the guy who hides from gay people at Walmart?

— Alec Straub

Yo mama's so fat I swerved to avoid her and ran out of gas!

— Alec Straub

Don't focus on distractions-SQUIRREL!!!

— Alec Straub

It's funny when someone breaks an awkward silence by saying 'that was an awkward silence.'

— Alec Straub

Yo mama's so stupid that she rubbed j!zz all over her face thinking it was Olay.

— Alec Straub

If you get busted by a cop for growing weed in your house, just say 'I'm not selling that. It's for personal…

— Alec Straub

You know you're addicted to Call of Duty when you go to work, take your boss's suitcase, make beeping sounds, and then…

— Alec Straub

Stand up for yourself like a dog: first give a warning, and lash out only if you need to or if you…

— Alec Straub

If I say 'jump,' then you say 'how high.' If I say 'you suck,' then you say 'you swallow.' Don't ignore insults…

— Alec Straub