I am not really funny . I am actually mean and people think that I am joking — MLY AB Copy Share Image
There is a strength of conviction that can only come from being 100% wrong. — Stephen Schneider Copy Share Image
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor." — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
If a man falls down and gets up, it's funny. If he falls down and doesn't get up it's not funny. — Soupy Sales Copy Share Image
You can tell James Duthie to shove that quiz. I have a few other words I can tell you about the quiz. — John Tortorella Copy Share Image
Dear 12 year olds on Facebook, how are you in a complicated relationship?! Did they steal your cookies? — Christine Ramkran Copy Share Image
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
“Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of… — Saira Viola Copy Share Image
I'm keeping in shape, you know, gotta look good for the ladies - and certain guys. Hey, I can't control who's looking.… — Ted Alexandro Copy Share Image
I had this very strict rule when I began auditioning that I wasn't gonna do a thicker accent, because it was like,… — Kumail Nanjiani Copy Share Image
“Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked in poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said… — Harry Hill Copy Share Image
“So you st that charge, and then put yourself right smack in the middle of the blast radius?" Brandt asked with what… — Abigail Roux Copy Share Image
“A: Funny about my mother. All my life, from the time I was just a little kid, I thought of her as… — Robert Cormier Copy Share Image
