Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

British Israelites: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of… — Mike Harding
Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith ... — Mike Harding
Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. — Mike Harding
Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to… — Mike Harding
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. — Mike Harding
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a… — Mike Harding
The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions,… — Mike Harding
The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him… — Mike Harding
The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service. — Mike Harding
The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake since its… — Mike Harding
The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg.… — Mike Harding
When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they… — Mike Harding
A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else.… — Raymond Simard
A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information… — Raymond Simard
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he… — Walt Kelly
Now is the time for all good men to come to. — Walt Kelly
... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them.… — Dave Barry
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the… — Dave Barry
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. — Dave Barry
Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as Garfield… — Dave Barry
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the… — Dave Barry
What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar. For example, I could say: Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow,… — Dave Barry
Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For… — Dave Barry
Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good… — Dave Barry
The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to… — Dave Barry

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: