Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate. — Theodore Kaczynski
A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large. — Alyce Cornyn-Selby
It's weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I'm expected to be humorous on talk shows. — Ben Stiller
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes. — Rita Rudner
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. — Rita Rudner
Indeed, so far from being humorous, the male American is the most abnormally serious creature who ever existed.. It is only fair to admit that… — Oscar Wilde
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park. — Jay Leno
I'm a Christian-libertarian-environmentalist-capitalist-lunatic. It's a humorous way for me to describe that I'm not stereotypical. — Joel Salatin
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there — Will Rogers
There is absolutely nothing humorous at the Masters. Here, small dogs do not bark and babies do not cry. — Gary Player
The American child is a highly intelligent human being; characteristically sensitive, humorous, open-minded, eager to learn, has a strong sense of excitement, energy, and healthy… — Walt Disney
I don't want to have a bad influence on anybody, but there's no point in my giving up cigarettes now. I won't die young. — Golda Meir
Every Harvard class should have one Democrat to rescue it from oblivion. — Will Rogers
The Democrats are going to change the name of the Hoover Dam. That is the silliest thing I ever heard of in politics . .… — Will Rogers
If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have… — Golda Meir
One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very… — Golda Meir
Zionism and pessimism are not compatible. — Golda Meir
'Tis a good thing to laugh at any rate; and if a straw can tickle a man, it is an instrument of happiness. — John Dryden
There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income. — Will Rogers
... all the modern inconveniences ... — Mark Twain
... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar. — Mark Twain
But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery - go! — Mark Twain
They spell it da Vinci and pronounce it da Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. — Mark Twain
Notes for a ballet, The Spell: ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ...… — Woody Allen
... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of Camptown Races.… — Mike Harding

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: