Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

My mother was the making of me. — Thomas A. Edison
Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake. — Erma Bombeck
Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried… — Dave Barry
A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not… — Erma Bombeck
People make a lot of fuss about my kids having such supposedly 'strange names', but the fact is that no matter what first names I… — Frank Zappa
None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to… — George Burns
Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago.… — George Burns
Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and… — Groucho Marx
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . . — Phyllis Diller
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names… — W.C. Fields
I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face. — W.C. Fields
Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents) — W.C. Fields
Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. — Woody Allen
Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident. — Woody Allen
When we got off the streetcar at Times Square, it was somewhat of a letdown. Newspapers were blowing about the road and pavement, and Broadway… — Charlie Chaplin
In New York we have streets exploding and innocent Buddhist girls being stabbed in the neck and cabdrivers refusing to help her. If we happen… — Cynthia Heimel
In Manhattan, marriage is a trend. Couples kiss over their arugula and radicchio salads. They fondle each other's genitals while devouring their pasta puttanesca. By… — Cynthia Heimel
At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt… — Dave Barry
Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible ketchup stains, I… — Dave Barry
It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to rent an apartment… — Dave Barry
Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and it does a… — Dave Barry
If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful… — Dave Barry
Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely… — Dave Barry
We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about:… — Dave Barry
Nobody uses his car in New York, because so many people use it that traffic is congested and unbearably slow. — George Mikes

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: