Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue) — Groucho Marx
If he (The New York Taxi Driver) talked to me, he might lose his concentration, which would be very bad because the taxi has some… — Dave Barry
Everybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night.… — Jerry Seinfeld
I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer to walk around… — P.J. O'Rourke
[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the… — Robert Benchley
New York has always been going to hell but somehow it never gets there. — Robert M. Pirsig
I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. — Dave Barry
Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it. — George Burns
...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting. — Mark Twain
I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the… — Mark Twain
I have witnessed and greatly enjoyed the first act of everything which Wagner created, but the effect on me has always been so powerful that… — Mark Twain
I have never heard enough classical music to be able to enjoy it; & the simple truth is, I detest it. Not mildly, but will… — Mark Twain
An exotic and irrational entertainment. — Samuel Johnson
In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around. — George Carlin
There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that. — Mark Twain
It is no harm to be an ass, if one is content to bray and not kick. — Mark Twain
We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back. — Bob Hope
Our first stop was red square, the heart of Moscow - if Moscow has one. — Bob Hope
The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it. — Bob Hope
Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water. — Bob Hope
Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level. — Bob Hope
The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense… — Dave Barry
The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits.… — Dave Barry
Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work. — Frank Zappa
A great deal of the pupils time was spent going through, once again, the History of the Communist (Bolshevik) Party of the Soviet Union. He… — George Mikes

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: