Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

She needed help, but God was in a meeting whenever she rang. — Tom Robbins
If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this… — Woody Allen
Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job.… — Woody Allen
Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue. — Woody Allen
Tel-Aviv airport is still the only airport in the world where each passenger is met by ten relatives. — George Mikes
I said in my earlier book, and find no reason for retracting my statement, that the famous Jewish sense of humour got lost in transit… — George Mikes
Israel also deprived the world of its chance of shedding tears of genuine sympathy over her destruction. The world resents this; it likes to feel… — George Mikes
Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better. — George Mikes
If it is gay, ribald and lascivious night-life you are after, Israel is not the place for you. The night clubs you do find are… — George Mikes
'I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.' — George Mikes
Bad English was the second language of Israel and bad Hebrew, of course, remained the national language. — George Mikes
The country has always been governed by a coalition but today it is governed by a so-called Grand Coalition which is a more polite word… — George Mikes
Long before the word Zionism was uttered for the first time, old religious Jews came from all over the world to die in Jerusalem. It… — George Mikes
Spending all my remaining money on a ticket to Florence was rendered needlessly complicated by the fact that none of the ticket-sellers had ever heard… — Clive James
In Italy, for the same price as a typical British hamburger meal including sweet, a builder's labourer could eat like a king - rather better… — Clive James
The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe. — Dave Barry
The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it… — Dave Barry
This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers. — Dave Barry
Elsewhere in Italy is the lovely city of Venice, which each year attracts millions of visitors despite the fact that it is basically an enormous… — Dave Barry
In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does not travel fast… — Dave Barry
The first time I passed through the country (Switzerland) I had the impression it was swept down with a broom from one end to the… — Ernesto Sabato
Streets crowded with people strolling, or sitting at outdoor cafes. And always, talking, gesturing, singing, laughing. I liked Rome immediately.Everybody was a performer. — Kirk Douglas
The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM SERVICE - and… — Bob Hope
The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to. — Bob Hope
Tokyo cab drivers are all ex-kamikaze pilots. — Bob Hope

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: