Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour." — Dave Barry
This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be… — Dave Barry
In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes. — Dave Barry
Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security. — Dave Barry
The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex,… — Dave Barry
The planes are crowded and noisy and late, and everybody hates everybody. If armed terrorists had tried to hijack any of the flights I've been… — Dave Barry
Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a… — Dave Barry
If Charles Lindbergh, flying with no instruments other than a bologna sandwich, managed to cross the Atlantic and land safely on a runway completely covered… — Dave Barry
I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky. — Erma Bombeck
Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus. — Erma Bombeck
The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he… — George Carlin
I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra. — George S. Kaufman
I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll light this Marlboro… — P.J. O'Rourke
Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges. — P.J. O'Rourke
Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a… — Robin Williams
Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the… — Robin Williams
She spoke perfect English, which led to considerable trouble. She couldn't understand us at all. — Bob Hope
Sure, we did need the oil in America. How else could Dolly Parton get into some of her dresses? — Bob Hope
The big difference in those days was that in England the Government subsidized TV, in America we work on TV so we can subsidize the… — Bob Hope
Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico! — Bob Hope
It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is… — Dave Barry
We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though these cards is… — Dave Barry
The beer sold here in the United States is sweet and watery and lacking in taste and overcarbonated and just generally the lamest, wimpiest beer… — Dave Barry
Real cars were made here in America: Fords, Chevys, Plymouths. These were large chunks of Detroit iron - cars that had the size, weight, and… — Dave Barry
The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain… — Dave Barry

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: