Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. — Woody Allen
There seems to me to be absolutely no limit to the inanity and credulity of the human race. Homo Sapiens! Homo idioticus! — Arthur Conan Doyle
Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults. — Unknown Author
If at first you don't succeed, take the tax loss. — Kirk Kirkpatrick
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. — Unknown Author
Why don't you write books people can read?(to her husband James) — Nora Barnacle
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. — Plato
When you are dealing with a child, keep all your wits about you, and sit on the floor. — Austin O'Malley
The secret of longevity... Is to keep breathing! — Sophie Tucker
Error is a hardy plant; it flourishes in every soil. — Martin Farquhar Tupper
That fellow seems to me to possess but one idea, and that is a wrong one. — Samuel Johnson
Sing of the nature of women, and then the song shall be surely full of variety; old crotchets and most sweet closes. It shall be… — John Marston
Matt Mason must be declared the poet laureate of the Midwest! No other native son celebrates the overlooked America, its unsung citizens (from the anonymous… — Unknown Author
Life is too serious to be taken seriously. — Mike Leonard
Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever… — Tom Lehrer
If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist. — Mike Patton
Okay everybody, line up in alphabetical order according to your height. — Casey Stengel
Why (he wondered rhetorically) do people who have a position that's being attacked constantly state that they have a right to say it, as if… — Peter David
You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress. — Jerry Springer
And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts... Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they're for. — Billy Joel
I think it would be totally inappropriate for me to even contemplate what I am thinking about. — Unknown Author
Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: 'Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field of artificial falcon… — Dave Barry
The first word you see at the airport is 'terminal'. — Beano Cook
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. — Ashleigh Brilliant
I see all. I hear all. I know all. And I spend a great deal of time in the bathroom. — Harlan Ellison

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: