Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

An absence of antecedents and of relatives is sometimes an aid rather than an impediment to social advancement . . . — Arthur Conan Doyle
I feel that there is reason lurking in you somewhere, so we will patiently grope round for it. — Arthur Conan Doyle
I trust that age doth not wither nor custom stale my infinite variety. — Arthur Conan Doyle
The persons hardest to convince that they're at the retirement age are children at bedtime. — Shannon Fife
Always obey your parents - when they are present. — Mark Twain
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. — Abraham Kaplan
People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your… — Paul Reiser
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men. — Ambrose Bierce
Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is just operating on… — P.J. O'Rourke
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. — Jack Handey
Nothing is more characteristically juvenile than contempt for juvenility. . . youth's characteristic chronological snobbery. — C.S. Lewis
One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put… — George Carlin
Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out. — George Carlin
When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber. — George Carlin
I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars. — George Carlin
They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I… — George Carlin
I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea. — George Carlin
And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning… — George Carlin
I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so. — George Carlin
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? — George Carlin
As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing. — George Carlin
I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report.… — George Carlin
An art thief is a man who takes pictures. — George Carlin
We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place. — George Carlin
Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? — George Carlin

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: