Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

When I started writing this, I found that I simply couldn't take fantasy seriously, so it became humorous, and continued from there. — Piers Anthony
We (The British) have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy. — Winston Churchill
Ann Taylor - great name, great real estate, shitty business. Gap -great name, great real estate, declining business. J.Crew - Hellooo? Great name, better fashion… — Millard Drexler
There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. — Peter Drucker
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. — Doug Larson
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches… — Axl Rose
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. — Adi Da
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. — Dennis Miller
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the… — Tommy Cooper
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to. — Rodney Dangerfield
If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms,… — Jerry Seinfeld
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. — Jackie Mason
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.' — Jack Handey
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. — A J Liebling
This book fills a much-needed gap. — Moses Hadas
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. — Edsger Dijkstra
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. — Bjarne Stroustrup
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. — Ian Fleming
There's a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I'm not there yet. — Randy Pausch
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. — Xenocrates
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. — Samuel Palmer
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. — Guy Davenport
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a… — Winston Churchill
Grove giveth and Gates taketh away. — Robert Metcalfe
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the… — Tony Hoare

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: