Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without… — Dick Gregory
I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things. — Alan Coren
I suppose we all have our recollections of our earlier holidays, all bristling with horror. — Flann O'Brien
The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact. — Stephen Sondheim
I guess a drag queen's like an oil painting: You gotta stand back from it to get the full effect. — Harvey Fierstein
He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie. — Neil Simon
I occasionally get birthday cards from fans. But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last. — Unknown Author
I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them? — Leo Durocher
I'm so far gone that I'm telling the truth. It sounds like a foreign language. — Richard Peck
Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood. — Cal Thomas
I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players… — Jim Leyland
Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest. — Neil Kinnock
Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean? — Nipsey Russell
I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall,… — Jay Leno
Government is like junior high. Your status depends upon whom you're able to persecute. — Jonathan Kellerman
Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers. — Judith Martin
Never miss a chance to keep your mouth shut. — Robert Newton Peck
The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise. — Tommy Bolt
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. — Doug Larson
I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner. — Lisa Leslie
Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother — Robin Williams
One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted. — Thomas Reed
I cannot articulate enough to express my dislike to people who think that understanding spoils your experience... How would they know? — Marvin Minsky
Coffee isn't my cup of tea. — Samuel Goldwyn
It is far better to know our own weaknesses and failures than to point out those of others. — Jawaharlal Nehru

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: