Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail. I don't know what that means, but it sounds like a dig. — Steve Buscemi
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children. — Samuel Butler
The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you,… — Samuel Butler
A lawyer's dream of heaven: every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection, and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers. — Samuel Butler
I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor. — Lord Byron
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. — George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? — George Carlin
I can prove anything by statistics except the truth. — George Canning
I don't even know what street Canada is on. — Al Capone
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. — Truman Capote
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. — George Carlin
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence? — George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. — George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. — George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. — George Carlin
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. — George Carlin
If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt. — Thomas Carlyle
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop. — Lewis Carroll
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. — Johnny Carson
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. — Johnny Carson
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. — Johnny Carson
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved. — Johnny Carson
If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you. — Dick Cavett
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. — Dick Cavett

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: