Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. — Elayne Boosler
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. — Elayne Boosler
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? — Elayne Boosler
If you're a fat person - and especially if you're a woman - at all stages of your life you'll get abuse for it, so… — Jo Brand
I abhor averages. I like the individual case. A man may have six meals one day and none the next, making an average of three… — Louis D. Brandeis
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. — Wernher von Braun
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children. — David Brenner
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine. — David Brenner
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. — Howard Aiken
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. — Mel Brooks
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. — A. Whitney Brown
Communism is like one big phone company. — Lenny Bruce
I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be… — Lenny Bruce
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. — Lenny Bruce
The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one. — Jean de la Bruyere
No one can earn a million dollars honestly. — William Jennings Bryan
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. — William F. Buckley, Jr.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. — Edmund Burke
To be ignorant of one's ignorance is the malady of the ignorant. — Amos Bronson Alcott
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. — George Burns
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. — George Burns
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. — George Burns
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples. — George Burns
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. — George Burns
When people are laughing, they're generally not killing one another. — Alan Alda

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: