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Humorous Quotes by Woody Allen
- I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
- I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
- Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
- What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
- Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
- In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
- If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
- Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
- If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this…
- Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job.…
- Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue.
- At the trial Stubbs chose to act as his own lawyer, but a conflict over his fee led to ill feelings.
- Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.
- Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident.
- What if the worst is true? What if there's no God, and you only go around once, and that's it? Don't you want to be…
- Notes for a ballet, The Spell: ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ...…
- I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases,…
- You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact…
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More Humorous Quotes
- Wit is educated insolence. — Aristotle
- The gods too are fond of a joke. — Aristotle
- It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims. — Aristotle
- People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov
- I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. — Isaac Asimov
- Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all time low over the world. — Isaac Asimov
- O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. — Saint Augustine
- Give me chastity and continence, but not yet. — Saint Augustine
- If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. — Tallulah Bankhead
- No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. — Honore de Balzac
- It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty… — Honore de Balzac
- Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. — Douglas Adams